Dear Selfie Stick,
I’m here to apologize. For many years, I have belittled both your existence and your users alike. I looked down on you with scorn, an air of condescension, and downright disdain. I thought that you were just a cheaply made, extendable tool of egotism that symbolized the degradation of our society. But today I’m here to confess. I was wrong. Like the onions and ranch dressing that came before you, I am man enough to admit the err of my ways.
I used to see travelers using your brethren to capture images of themselves and loved ones in front of beautiful landscapes as I thought to myself, “Psh, stupid tourists.” But at the same time, I found myself wondering… what would it be like to hold you? Could I have been misled all these years?
Society has ingrained in us that unions like this were unnatural. “Not as God intended” and that you “threatened the institution of photography.” Advocates advocated that people didn’t choose to be selfie stickers, but that they were born that way.
Here I was vilifying you, but I began to realize, could I have been masking my true feelings for you with ridicule and mockery? I didn’t want to admit it, but I was in full-blown denial.
Eight and a half days ago, I finally made the plunge and entered the world that began just beyond the reach of my right arm. It was one of my current students who gave me the courage to truly admit what I’ve known deep down for so long.
The first time I held you, I was nervous. But when I finally wrapped my fingers around your rubberized, Chinese-produced grip, I knew we were meant to be.
As someone who takes no shame in embarrassing himself in photos, you give me the strength (and depth of field) to truly capture a full frame’s worth of embarrassing deeds. Look at the picture here. When was the last time you took a picture of yourself and two friends while squeezing that many limbs into the shot? When was the last time you even thought of that? You didn’t, and that’s the point. Selfie Stick, you are opening doors to a whole new dimension of silliness and self-deprecation.
Are you basically a Leatherman for nerdy narcissists? Yes. Do I look cool utilizing you? No I don’t. But do I motherfuckin’ capture epic moments and backdrops the likes of which were never possible before? Like Walter White once said… you’re god damn right. So join me friends. Release the stigma. Reconsider your preconceptions. Fight back against the man and embrace your inner buffoon. And most importantly, don’t let society get in the way of you capturing your awesome penguin-Batman shirt in front of that waterfall.
So I’ll say it again, I’m sorry Selfie Stick. It may have taken time, but now we can finally live on happily.